Cerita Sependek Siang Ini

Natal tahun ini seharusnya sama seperti natal-natal sebelumnya. Tapi terlalu banyak air yang keluar dari tubuhku.

Mungkin tidak banyak yang tahu bahwa banyak yang sering bercerita pada saya.
Bukan cerita tentang cinta, karena saya tidak begitu paham masalah tersebut.
Sebenarnya saya juga tidak begitu paham pada masalah lainnya.
Namun entah mengapa mereka tetap saja bercerita pada saya.

Kadang saya suka terkejut dengan diri saya sendiri.
Menyendiri, itu yang paling saya sukai.
Tapi entah bagaimana saya juga selalu tertarik untuk bertemu dengan orang baru yang bukan berada dalam lingkaran pertemanan saya yang biasanya.
Saya gemar membuat lingkaran-lingkaran pertemanan baru yang tidak terlalu besar. Berdua.
Itu sudah cukup.
Tapi sayang lingkaran-lingkaran ini tidak sepenuhnya kokoh.
Ada saja yang rapuh.
Rapuh oleh cerita-cerita mereka sendiri.

Sudah sering saya mendapat berita kematian dari lingkaran-lingkaran kecil yang saya miliki.
Bunuh diri.
Semuanya bunuh diri.
Tak pernah sampai hati saya mendatangi pemakaman mereka semua.
Sekali pun.
Saya pilih diam.
Dan sesekali menangis dalam hati.

For you two

This was initially published a month, maybe two months, ago after the three of us had lunch together after class. But then I felt ashamed to publish because this sounded too menye-menye (I don't know any other vocabulary that fits). But then again now I feel the urge to share this because after hanging out with you, I feel that I (literally) missed you all these past years.

Having lunch and talking with you this afternoon made me miss the time when we were usually together. The first semester was a great joy to me. If it isn't because of you, I might be ended up with no friends (because I'm not a pro in blending in with a huge group of people), so thank you so much :)

I was thinking why nowadays you and I rarely have meal together or even chat. Then I suddenly remembered: Kak Erlita once told me that everyone felt that without any particular reason I'm keeping distance with you guys after my break-up with one of our classmates. I suddenly stopped hanging out with you, I kept going straight back home after all the class if I had no other activities in campus.

For the first you:
I'm sorry for not being able to come to all your shows and give my best cheer, I'm sorry that I didn't even know when are exactly your upcoming shows.
I'm sorry for not trying to help and/or solve your problems, I'm sorry that I don't even know your problems.
I'm sorry for not being beside you when you need shoulder to cry on, I'm sorry that I wasn't even there when you need someone to tell stories to.
I'm sorry for not being a good friend.

I know I couldn't always be there for you and I'm not telling you to tell all your stories to me and you have to know that I'm not the best when it's time to give response, but I just want to let you know that you can always try to contact me when you feel like need someone to read or listen both your happy and sad stories.
Well, last but not least, do your best for your thesis presentation and I believe you always make right decisions for your life.

For the other-first you:
I miss the time when we were catastrophicking together
I miss the time when I showed you weird songs and you told me weird stories
I miss the time when I picked you up for english class or simply just because we wanted to hang out
I miss the time when I sent you home after hanging out together
I miss the time when we talked about other people's success life and how we envy them in a good way

Now, you are the one who will be talked about because of (the start of) your success life and I of course will envy you in a good way. Be good in Singapore and I probably won't miss you since you will be there for good. I believe it will be just like waiting for you in front of your dorm to hang out together :) 

P.S. I think I'm being overly sensitive and sentimental now, maybe it's because all of this dang thesis' fuss or my period lol

*bunch of kisses and really long hugs*